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Posts Tagged ‘Menno Kalmann’

 

 

HorseCode

“There were moments when all of a sudden, without any warning, my wife just switched from regular conversation to speaking in some unintelligible code,” writes Menno Kalmann in his hilarious book WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS AND SO ARE THEIR HORSES. “And it usually happened when horses were involved somehow.”

Anyone from outside the equestrian world who stumbles into a conversation betwixt riders (never intentionally, I might add), would freely admit that much of what is said might as well be a series of dots, dashes, blips, and clicks, for all the sense it makes. But of course, it rarely occurs to us just how funny (both “ha ha” and “strange”) it all sounds.

“I find myself sauntering over to our backyard arena and seeing my wife bounding around, clinging to her beloved nag,” Kalmann goes on. “‘He’s a bit lame, don’t you think?’ she says. I hesitate to answer this as I watch them. Who am I to judge? I’m sure she finds some of the things I like to do pretty lame as well.

“Later on, after unsaddling, she treats me to an elaborate debriefing on all the specifics. ‘He’s not in front of my leg, and he is constantly four-beat cantering.’ She’s definitely lost me there; I have no clue how to interpret this. ‘And, when he is going round, the hind legs—they keep falling out!’

“I gaze at her in desperation. Will I need to go out in the dark and search the arena for lost legs?

“Later on, as we sit in the car, she confides her intention of riding ‘forward and down’ for a bit. I can only applaud such a decision, the more so because I understand at least half of it. Forward riding has the advantage of seeing what’s in front of you, and going down seems wise enough as long as you’re not flying a Boeing over the Hudson.

“After a while, I was confident that I had pretty much mastered the vocabulary. For instance, I figured out that ‘collection’ doesn’t mean wanting to obtain as many horses as you can…”

Well, that, Mr. Kalmann, depends entirely on our mood and the day!

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WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS AND SO ARE THEIR HORSES is available from the TSB online bookstore, where shipping in the US is FREE. It is also available in epub and Kindle editions.

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Sales of e-readers were predicted to be astronomical this holiday season. TSB (HorseandRiderBooks.com) plans to make its bestselling list of equestrian books available in Kindle and epub formats.

Forecasters predicted that this would be the biggest Christmas ever for e-book readers under the tree. If Santa brought you one of the many reading devices now available and you’re wondering what your first e-book downloads should be, put a horse book at the top of your list!

Trafalgar Square Books, leading publisher of horse-related books and DVDs, is going digital. With a focus still on high quality, full-color print books, TSB can’t ignore the industry and social trends that tell us more and more people are reading books digitally. We want our authors—the top riders, trainers, and horse care experts in the world—and their tips, techniques, and ground-breaking methods to be available to a broad-range of equestrians, anywhere in the world.

TSB‘s backlist of bestselling horse books numbers in the hundreds, so we will be making titles available via e-book formats gradually, as we can. Currently, the following three books are available in Kindle and epub formats:

THE SMART WOMAN’S GUIDE TO MIDLIFE HORSES by Melinda Folse

LESSONS WELL LEARNED by Clinton Anderson

WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS AND SO ARE THEIR HORSES by Menno Kalmann

Kindle and epub formats of these three top-sellers can be purchased on Amazon.com and eBooks.com.

Sign up to follow our blog (see link on right side of page), where new titles are announced and where we’ll keep you notified as to which of our books can be downloaded onto your new e-reader. More titles coming soon!

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Funny-man Menno Kalmann, the now famous “horse husband” and author of the hit comedic memoir Women Are from Venus and So Are Their Horses, says he’s thinking about starting a support group for the men in horse-crazy women’s lives the world over. I can just imagine it…Horse Husbands Anonymous (HHA) would offer an opportunity to commiserate, share stories, and perhaps pass on well-earned tips for success to others who dare to love women who love horses.

Maybe you need an HHA chapter near you?

Check out Menno as he demonstrates his prowess in the stable (and in the saddle) and talks about his absolutely terrific book. Women Are from Venus and So Are Their Horses is available from the TSB bookstore, where shipping in the US is always FREE.

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Menno Kalmann–author of the holy-moly-that’s-really-funny WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS AND SO ARE THEIR HORSES –sat down via long-distance phone and had a laugh (well, quite a few really) with Glenn the Geek, host of the Stable Scoop Radio Show on Horse Radio Network, and Rick Bergeron, of Right Lead Equestrian Center.

The three “horse husbands” swapped stories about their horse-loving wives…the show is guaranteed to put a smile on your face, wherever you figure in the guy-loves-horse-lovin’-girl dynamic! Check it out:

Stable Scoop Radio: Horse Husbands Episode

Get your copy of WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS AND SO ARE THEIR HORSES at the TSB bookstore–where shipping in the US is ALWAYS FREE!

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Gotta lady friend (or fella) in your life who is just as infatuated with horses as you are with her (or him)? Here are five super-easy ways to let the horse lover in your life know you REALLY care, without spending oodles on champagne and diamonds (and don’t mention the fact that you spend enough on horses each year to buy a dozen-Valentine’s-Days’-worth of bubbly and glitter)….

1  Do the Chores

That’s right. Slip on your muckity-muck boots, and slip out the door before lover is out of bed or before she gets home from work. Clean the stalls (if you live with a horse owner, we know you know how!), sweep the aisle, empty and refill the water buckets, feed and hay….sure, they aren’t YOUR horses, and maybe you’re a little afraid or a little resentful, but TRUST US. This demonstration of your devotion will score you  MAJOR POINTS in the “love of my life” department.

2  Give the Green Light for Extra Barn Time

Give your love a big kiss and a verbal “It’s a-okay if you spend this weekend at the barn.” One of the biggest strains on relationships with horses in the middle is the amount of time riding and caring for them demands. This can leave boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife in a cold lonely bed early in the morning and eating TV dinners on the couch late evenings. Needless to say, this can cause resentment on one end and stress on the other….so let your horse-crazy partner know that this weekend you want her to take her sweet time, clean as much tack, talk as much horse, and breathe as much hay dust as her little heart desires. Your “he’s a keeper” stock will skyrocket!

3  Stay in and Snuggle with a Bottle of Wine and a Horsey-Flick

Yep. Horsey people usually dig horsey movies, and there are a number of them that a non-horsey individual shouldn’t find TOO cringe-worthy. In fact, if you’re an action-adventure type, a few of them might even get your blood racing–if only for a minute. A few oldies but goodies that shouldn’t be too tortuous for even the most jaded of viewers:

Something to Talk About (1995, Julia Roberts, Robert Duvall, Dennis Quaid)

Seabiscuit (2003, Jeff Bridges, Chris Cooper)

Hidalgo (2004, Viggo Mortensen–yes, THAT Viggo Mortensen)

The Horse Whisperer (1998, Robert Redford, Kristin Scott Thomas)

4  Give a Show Season I.O.U.

If your honey is a competitor, don’t tell me you haven’t been drugged and dragged to one event or another in years’ past, usually grumbling most of the way. Why not prepare yourself now for two or three “full on” appearances this show season–slip an I.O.U. in your partner’s V-Day card that says you’re all hers (or his) for three events, and will pack, drive, haul, hold, stand, wait, run, lift, carry, prompt, encourage, and congratulate to the best of your lovin’ heart’s ability. You’ve got a few months to get ready for the experience, so go for it.

5  Go for a Romantic Ride

Depending on your geographical location, a romantic ride this time of year may or may not involve sunsets–in fact, it may involve several layers of clothing and very cold toes. But if you have EVER been in the saddle and can manage even the barest of minimums on a good-ol’ “boyfriend horse” (you know, the 15-year-old Quarter Horse gelding that’s seen it all–and seen YOU ALL in the saddle), then tell your main squeeze that you’d like nothing better than to spend an hour riding with her or him. Sure, your muscles will be sore, but such an expression of devotions is sure to earn you a back massage later…

And remember, just because your lover is a horse lover, doesn’t mean she doesn’t have enough love for YOU, too!

(BTW, a great Valentine’s Day read is WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS AND SO ARE THEIR HORSES–check out this review on GREAT BOOKS FOR HORSE LOVERS and order it today from the TSB bookstore www.HorseandRiderBooks.com.)

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